From Deep Within

I thought that switching over to a new and different blog would be a great little thing to do to start this new year off right and be able to start with the things that matter most. When I started setting this up a few weeks ago (per requested from a friend) I was happy and full of hope and going about my usual craziness. I wish I was still doing that right now too. But I should back up a little bit so I don't lose too many people.
After deciding that just ONE MORE baby would be perfect to fill out our little family, we took the leap and starting trying to conceive again. You can imagine the look on my face when I was filling out papers at the doctors office when I got to the question that asks if there is a chance you are pregnant. Having no clue at all if I was pregnant yet, I told them there was a possibilty just to give them a heads up. A couple tests and a new prescription later, I was sitting there waiting to be checked out when the nurse walks in and says "Thanks for the heads up because you are indeed pregnant". AWESOME! We still got it! We are awesome!
I can honestly say that the last few weeks have been an absolute blur. The thing that hasn't been a blur is my beta levels that where not nearly as high as they should have been. Thinking to myself now, I have to wander if maybe I am pushing myself too hard. Going through the motions and starting all the vitamins and supplements for a pregnancy with me is just about as easy as teaching my five year old to drive. I have never been a pill or drug person and I can honestly say that I am still not adjusted 5 years later.
Fast forwarding to today- I am in complete shock. I am very mad. I am very angry. I am very hurt.
Having a doctor (that I have known for awhile) look you in the face and say "It has happened, the baby has stopped growing and there is no heartbeat" is the last thing I wanted today. This is the last thing I ever wanted....EVER. My body is sore and trying to do the most natural thing it knows how to do, HEAL and no longer carry a child. There are VERY few friends and family members that even knew we were pregnant and I am at least happy that we kept it that way.